Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
