not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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