I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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