matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
