All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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