soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
