he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
