I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
