The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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