I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
