Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
