It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
