The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
