I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
