So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
