My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
