haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
