cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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