i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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