we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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