Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you traded sex for a burrito?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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