The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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