I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
