so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Is Oprah even human
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
