You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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