That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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