The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
