It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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