Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
What a dumb baby whore.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize