Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
