I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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