Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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