Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
