just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
