i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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