I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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