I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
