Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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