I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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