i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Randomize
