Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
