so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
