The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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