I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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