college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
