oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize