If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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