just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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