I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
