its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
