Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
