you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
