I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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