So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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