I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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