Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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