I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
