we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
