You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize