the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
